Mom, if I wanted a lecture I’d go back to school….



So my mom came down for her monthly visit with her granddaughter. I generally look forward to these visits as I want LC to bond with her. However, my mom continues to treat my like a 16 year old despite the fact that I have graduated college, have started my own family, and in less than one month will be 30.  Upon her arrival I tell her if she wants she can watch LC while I go to the grocery store or she can come with us. She decides to come with. Damn. So I load everybody up and away we go. Apparently taking your mother to the grocery store means that you get an hour long lecture on healthy food. Seriously. I’m on weight watchers mom. It’s ALL healthy. Also, while at the store my mom decides she wants to make smoothies. So I say “Okay.” The following conversation ensues:
Me: “Make sure it’s fat free yogurt.”

Mom: “Well, I don’t want aspartame.”

Me: “Mom, for the hundredth time Aspartame is perfectly fine for you.”
Mom: “Well, also I don’t want phenylalanine in mine.”

Me: “Why, you don’t have PKU disease.”
Mom: “Well, how do you know that?”
Me: “Because they would have tested you at birth and you would be dead by now from all of your previous exposure to phenylalanine.”

Mom: “You don’t know that.”

Me: “Yes, I do. I used to write background summaries for adoptions. All children are tested at birth. All background summaries have to have the results of that test in them. I also have to explain why they have to have the test and what the results mean.”

Mom: “Well, I’m just saying that I can’t have it.”

Me: “Fine. You get your yogurt and I’ll get mine.”

So we each get our yogurt and continue on. I tell her I need to get my cereal. Now, as previously stated I’m on weight watchers. I get the Great Value Brand Strawberry Mini Spooners. They are 4 points. It’s my treat every once in a while. I proceed to pick up the bag and put it in the cart. My mother then proceeds to go “Tsk Tsk Tsk” (finger action and all.) Then she tells me I need to get something that has more fiber in it. WTF mom. It has plenty of fiber in it and I eat well over the daily recommendations. I tell her to stop. She then stares at me as if I have just completed the most heinous act in the world. I tell her “This is why I don’t like you going to the store with me. I know how to eat healthy. I DO eat healthy.” Keep in mind the rest of the cart was full of nothing but healthy food. She then gets mad at me and continues to stare me down while saying “Stop it.” I turn and continue walking. This is the thousandth time I have had this argument with my mother. The rest of the trip to the store continues with a few more minor incidents.

So my mom leaves and goes to her aunts house for two days. On her way back to her house she has decided to stop by the house and visit again. Great. She calls when she gets to Clanton and says she is going to the peach farm and wants to know if I would like any peaches. I say, sure that would be awesome. When she gets there she calls me. I asked her what other produce do they have out. She rattles off a list of melons that I tell her no to. Then she says “Oh, they have some figs.” I say “Oh, cool, get me some of those.” Then she says “Do you even know what figs are?” Yes, mom, I’m not an idiot.

On a final note, I love my mother. She is the best mother in the world. However, every visit has some lecture in it of crap I already know, or how I should do this instead of that. Ugh……….

2 Comments

Filed under Moments with mom

2 responses to “Mom, if I wanted a lecture I’d go back to school….

  1. omafriggingawd
    Seriously? She asked you if you even knew what a fig was?

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